Part 3: The Real Truth About Oysters

Oysters are nasty. They really are. To give you an idea of just how freaking disgusting they are, allow me to say something about myself. I'm not one of those people who dislikes seafood. On the contrary - if it lives in the river and/or sea, it's probably welcome on my plate. Cooked, raw, McDonald's Filet O'Fish...seafood has to try to turn me off. I love EVERYTHING about going to the shore - and despite my almost transparent skin, will endure sunburn just for the sheer joy of breathing in ocean air. Even at low tide. If I could drink ocean water without dire results, I would. Gallons. That's how fucking much I love seafood. But.

Oysters are nasty.

And for some bizarre reason, considered sexy.

This is the third, and final, installment of the love, sex, food blog post. Over the course of my post-pubescent life, I'd done so much research into this topic that I, long winded I, knew that the subject had to be divided into multiples. I have done my homework.

Therefore, I am aware these chilled gobs of salty phlegm are supposed to help men with...stamina (which, honestly, should just endear the entire male gender to us - look at what they endure to ensure that we get our grand finales!!). That is the most frequently cited attribute. However, one of the things I learned from that seminar (introduced in Part 1) is that, energetically speaking, oysters are actually better for a woman's sex life.

Picture this. In the workshop room. There are about 15 of us in attendance (I know a handful of them). Uncharacteristically, I'm keeping my mouth shut for the most part (I have a similar background as the presenter and did not want to steal her thunder). She didn't need any help from me, anyway - a fantastic speaker, vivacious and very well educated on the subject. We talked about food preparation. Candles in the kitchen, putting ourselves in the right frame of mind...that kind of thing. Naturally, the time came for us to list out foods we know have aphrodisiac qualities.

It's quite a list, really...and more familiar than one may guess. In the last few years, I've found it fascinating how much of our culture's day to day practices have their foundations in the energy work done by older cultures. In the case of love and sex foods - we're talking about discoveries made well before science strolled on stage and got crowned King. As a result, most people participate in this energy work without even realizing it.

Think about it: Valentine's Day. What kinds of foods do we associate with it? Chocolate, berries (especially strawberries), champagne, wine...they're the big names. For the actual meals, spicy foods and seafood...especially oysters. For truly romantic meals, most folks pick at least one or two from this list - though rarely with the understanding of why they work so well.

But still. Oysters? How could cold, briny, chewy snot be a romantic food?

Understandably, when she mentioned oysters, most of us made that politely muted retching sound and shifted in our chairs. We laughed about it, commented on the grossness, and she kept at us, trying to help us figure it out. Well, the more she asked, the quieter the room became (other than stifled laughter and retching noises). She wasn't flopping by any means - but if no one else was going to say something... I mean, if you give me such an amazing straight line, how can I resist? I raised my hand.

HER: "Yes?"
ME: "I have to admit to hating oysters...but I do have a theory on why they're helpful for a woman's sex life."
HER: "Great! Let's hear it!"
ME: "Well, after trying to swallow an oyster, semen's looking pretty good."

Everyone sitting in front of me had two things in common. All women and all a bit older than I am. Oh, three things: at my comment, they ALL whipped their heads around, shocked that I'd said it. I couldn't even pretend to be embarrassed. Honestly. We're at a seminar about sex and putting things in our mouths. Did anyone really think blow jobs weren't going to come up? Naturally, I had to defend my point:

"I mean, really, if you can swallow one of THOSE...man, you can swallow ANYTHING."

It took the moderator about 15 seconds to get her laughter under enough control to stand up straight and speak again. Wiping her eyes, she was very gracious, and consented that while she'd never thought of it that way, it is undeniably an additional pro-sex quality to be found with oysters.

I recently shared that story with Ms. J. Just as I was about to give her the punchline, she interrupted me with:

"that's 'cause semen's NOTHING after a fucking oyster!"

I rest my case.